Healthier Relationships Through a Healthy Sex Life
What are the most common subjects that couples fight about?
If you guessed money, housework, or children, you’re correct that these are some of the most common sources of conflict in a long-term relationship. But there’s another subject that’s often the source of arguments, too: sex.
There are many factors that go into creating a healthy relationship. Strong communication, respect, and approaching life as a team while also retaining your individual identities and interests are all vital. But if sex is important to the two of you—as it is to the vast majority of people—then cultivating a strong sex life is another important aspect of building a happy and healthy relationship.
Read on for a few of our top tips on how to do it.
Accept Your Differences
In a long-term relationship of any kind (whether different-gender or same-gender, monogamous or open or polyamorous), there will be sexual mismatches from time to time. Because no two people are exactly the same, this is completely to be expected.
Perhaps one of you wants much more sex than the other in general, or perhaps one of you is going through a temporary period of lower or higher libido. This can be caused by all kinds of things, from hormonal changes to work stress. One of you might have a sexual kink or fetish that the other person isn’t interested in. One of you might even be bisexual or pansexual (attracted to people of multiple or all genders) while the other is monosexual (only interested in one gender.)
There’s really no such thing as “normal” in the world of sex, and acknowledging and accepting your differences without shame or recrimination will go a long way to building a healthier sex life and relationship.
Get Comfortable Talking About It
We live in a culture in which sexuality is used to sell almost everything, from perfume to cars. But, strangely, it’s also a culture in which frank talk about sex is discouraged and even taboo. This means that, when couples are having sexual problems, their first instinct may be not to talk about it. But this is a huge mistake.
You can’t have good sex without talking about it. This means getting comfortable with providing feedback in the moment, asking for what you need, and talking openly about sex outside of the bedroom.
It takes practice to get this right, and you’ll need to be really vulnerable and trusting with each other. Learning how to listen actively and really hear your partner without judgment is at least as important as being able to convey your own points. If you and your partner really struggle to talk about sex, you may find that working with a sex-positive couples’ therapist helps you to open up the dialogue.
Get Creative
One of the joys of being in a long-term sexual relationship is that you’ve likely learned exactly what works for each other over the years. However, doing the same thing each time you have sex is likely to leave you feeling bored and stuck in a rut after a while. That’s why it’s important to keep experimenting, trying new things, and getting creative in how you get intimate.
You could explore kink and BDSM, or try dressing up or roleplaying in the bedroom. You could read erotica or watch porn together (seek out and pay for ethically-produced content), experiment with sex toys, try new positions, or talk about your sexual fantasies. If you’re both into it and have the stellar communication skills required, you could even consider exploring threesomes, group sex, or swinging.
What you choose to do is less important than the act of co-creating an exploratory, experimental sexual life together. Don’t forget that consent comes first and “no” always means “no.”
Don’t Forget Solo Sex
The subject of masturbation while in a relationship can be taboo and difficult to talk about. Many people believe that if they have a healthy sex life, they shouldn’t need to masturbate. Some even believe that masturbation is cheating (which is ridiculous–you can’t cheat on your partner with yourself!)
In fact, both of you maintaining a healthy solo sex life will only do good things for the sex you have together. Masturbation is not just a way to scratch an itch when your partner’s not in the mood. It’s also a fun and healthy activity in its own right, and a great way to get to know your body and how it experiences pleasure. Experts even believe that regular masturbation enhances the libido, meaning that it could help you to be in the mood for each other more often,
Expand Intimacy Beyond the Sexual
The word “intimacy” is often used synonymously with “sex”, but in fact it is so much more than that. True intimacy is emotional and even spiritual as well as physical, and involves really seeing, knowing, and accepting another person as they truly are. Bringing more expanded intimacy into your relationship can help you to create a healthier sex life and a happier relationship overall.
Start by adding more non-sexual physical intimacy into your relationship. Kiss more often, hold hands, cuddle, exchange massages, and touch each other regularly throughout the day. Emotional intimacy is built by sharing things with each other, both your joys and your struggles, and being there for one another as you navigate life’s challenges. Asking questions, really listening, showing appreciation regularly, and sharing adventures and fun experiences together are also essential.
As you expand what intimacy means to the two of you and get to know and appreciate each other even more, you’ll be amazed at what it does for your sex life and your relationship as a whole.
